By Teodoro Bacani Jr.

Strange as it may seem, the person after whom the day for lovers, Valentine’s Day, which we celebrate today, was named after a Roman priest who was martyred around 269 A.D. The priest, Valentine, was also a physician and was beheaded in Rome on Feb. 14, and buried on the Flaminian Way, where a basilica was erected in 350. On the same day, the Roman martyrology lists another Valentine who was a bishop in what is now Terni, Italy, about 60 miles from Rome. This Bishop Valentine was also beheaded. The two may have been the same person. It may be that the Roman priest Valentine became the bishop of Terni.

Stranger still, the custom of sending Valentine presents on this day came from a medieval belief that birds began to pair on Feb. 14. I hope these bits of information to not lessen the romance of this day for you.

Perhaps the important thing to remember on this day is an essential element of love which is often forgotten today: commitment. To love is not only to “feel in love” with someone. Love is more than feelings, though it is true that loving feelings are the usual accompaniment of love. The Italians captured the essence of love by their expression “Ti voglio bene” (I want what is good for you) when they want to say “I love you.” Indeed, to love is to want the good of the beloved. And sometimes what is good for the loved one may even be painful for the one who loves. Think, for example, of the love of a man who has to go abroad to seek work because he can no longer support his wife and children with the salary he gets from his job here. That decision is hard to come by and is even harder to execute. It is not accompanied by nice feelings if the man really loves his wife. The accompanying feelings are painful rather than romantic. Yet a man may decide and do exactly that for the good of his beloved.

Romance and romantic feelings have their place in love. Without them, very few people may actually fall in love. We humans need the “come on” provided by romance and romantic feelings in order to be encouraged to also undertake the harder part of loving. But true lovers remain in love even when romantic feelings have disappeared. I remember a woman, a member of the Mother Butler Guild, whose husband was in comatose for 16 years. She cared for him until his death all those painful years, faithful to her marriage vows which said, “I take you from this day forward for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”

For people who think that love equals romance, the Gospel exhortation, “Love one another” heard on the day of marriage becomes “Love another one” when the romantic feelings fade away. But for people who realize that love is a commitment, love remains even when the stage of disillusionment (a necessary phase in loving) sets in. At this point, when the reasons that called forth the romantic feelings have faded away momentarily, love becomes a decision. During the romance stage, the romantic feelings sweep the lovers off their feet and carry them along effortlessly. But when the disillusionment stage sets in, love must be carried, even dragged like a cross. I remember the remarks of a man who had remained very much in love with his wife for 65 years. On their 65th wedding anniversary at which I officiated, the man told the guests during the dinner, “For 65 years my wife has been carrying a cross.” Then he added, “And for 65 years I have been nailed to that cross.” There is nothing romantic about the cross, and yet truly love and the cross go together. The couple I am referring to were known to be a very happy couple faithful to one another.

Because love is a commitment, one should not easily enter into a love relationship, and should do so only after prayerful discernment. One poem I studied in college said, “When I was one and 20, I heard a wise man say, ‘give away your pearls and rubies, but not your heart away.’” That is indeed wise advice. So many people rush headlong into loving only to end up sorrowing.

Valentine’s Day is for lovers, but remember, the priest/bishop after whom this day was named died a martyr. He proved his love for the Lord by laying down his life for him. May you who love so commit yourselves to each other that you will be willing to die for one another. An unsolicited advice for those who still have to decide whether to marry their loved one: Do not marry him/her unless you are also willing to die for him/her.

Happy Valentine!